Beck (irish_evil) wrote in band_nerds_usa,

Find your instrument!

Band Player Horoscopes

Flutes: If you are a flute player then you're probably smart, strong, out-going,
and have a lot of friends. But you might want to watch out for low brass players
because some of them may not enjoy your high pitched melodies.Oversexed and
undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of
getting along with the rest of the band than anyone else, but that won't stop
them from sleeping with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference. The
bass flute is not even worth mentioning. Piccolos, on the other hand, belong
mainly on the fifty yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience
can maintain a safe distance.

Compatibility: Trumpets, clarinets and saxophone players are OK, but stay clear
from tuba players.

Clarinet: If you play the clarinet then you're most likely to be strong, and
strong-willed, skilled and talented, smart, and of course, romantic. The future
is always in your past and the past is always in your future. As the same for
flute players, watch out for the low brass section. The clarinet is, without a
doubt, the easiest of all instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the
reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time and money for
the finest wines, oriental rugs and exotic sports cars. They mostly have no
education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don't
need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys -- nobody knows why. Don't
ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more
talented clarinets can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal.

Compatibility: Flutes, trumpet and French horn players are advised.

Oboe: If the oboe is your skill then you are smart, very talented, well rounded,
cunning, dexterous, and clever. Beware of clarinets though, because its just
genetic for them to dislike you. Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually
develop brain tumors from the extreme air pressure built up over the years of
playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus
complex, spending all their waking hours carving little wooden toys for
imaginary children, although they will tell you they are putting the finishing
touches on the world's greatest reed. Oboists can't drive and always wear
clothes one size too small. They all wear berets and have special eating
requirements which are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them
seem somewhat special.

Compatibility: Flutes, French horns, and trumpet players are all right, but
steer clear from clarinets.

Bassoon: If you play the bassoon, then congratulations, you could probably get a
scholarship where-ever you want. The "requirements" of a bassoon player is being
smart, flexible durability, expressive, affected, and pulchritude. Your biggest
concern is the trombones, because when you are not there, they have to play your
cues. Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but
they come on so sweet that it's really hard to catch them at their game. Here's
an instrument that's better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the
impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that
the bassoon only plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard
for a minute in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs-- their
only real concern -- they act up a storm doing their very best to look busy.

Compatibility: Clarinets, oboes, French horns, trumpets are OK, but reflect the

Bass Clarinet: If you play this instrument then you are smart, fun, outgoing,
"wild", open-minded, and talented. You really don't have any concerns to think
about, so have fun!

Compatibility: Whatever you choose.

Saxophone: Saxophone players can vary. You can get all different shapes and
sizes of saxophones that it's not even funny! Basically, what all saxophone
players have in common is they're all gifted. But beware of trumpet players for
their music is not always as cool as yours.

Compatibility: Clarinets, other saxophones, French horns, trombones, and
baritones are OK, trumpets are a no, no.

Trumpet: If the trumpet is your name then flying is your game. Your music can be
hard work, but let yourself soar, because intelligence is your strong point and
slaking is your weak. I suggest keeping your eye out for everyone because the
trumpet position is a well desired spotlight. Trumpet players are the scum of
the earth. I'll admit, though, they do look good when they're all cleaned up.
They'll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can
play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They're
worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenseless, weaker members of the
orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could intercede?
Oh, I don't think so.

Compatibility: Flutes, clarinets, oboes, bassoons and bass clarinets are A-OK!
But saxophones are your nightmare.

French horn: Playing the French horn can be demanding work, but your quiet
personality can overcome. Whether its blowing through the mellophone, or triple
tonguing your concert solo........ French horns........ our hats off to you.
Like the bass clarinets, you have no enemies, so smile, and I hope that made
your day.

Compatibility: Who wouldn't love ya?!

Trombones: Well trombones. I must say you are very determined people. You should
hold your head with pride because the trombone is a tricky instrument to master,
and if you've played on into high school then you are truly gifted. But I would
advise you not to strut too much because the bassoon is not on your side. And
another thing, you are most likely not compatible with fellow low brass players,
so don't even try. Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players.
However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don't shine the
brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn't hurt you and are the
folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don't count well, but
stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how
stupid they look when they play. It's a little-known fact that trombone players
are unusually good bowlers. This is true.

Compatibility: Saxophones, bass clarinets, and of course, French horns.

Baritones: If you play the baritone then you are most likely strong, smart,
out-going, open-minded and misunderstood. Unfortunately the baritone is the only
brass instrument that is not included in a orchestra. For that we're sorry, the
baritone has earned its right there. Your enemy is most likely the trombones,
they just don't know it. Keep your senses keen!

Compatibility: Like the trombones, stay away from other low brass. But! Bass
clarinets, French horns and saxophones are OK.

Tubas: If you play this "umpa, umpa" then you are most likely to be like the
bass clarinets. Out-going, "wild" and open minded. Congratulations, you've
strived to be different in this world. Not only that but if you play this
monstrosity of a horn then you are probably in good shape. As far as your
enemies I would say it would be the entire woodwind section, because it is your
mission and goal in life to over play them in band. But of course the bass
clarinets and saxophones love you because you share the same mission.

Compatibility: Well since the low brass isn't advised and the wood winds hate
you, all that is left is, saxophones, bass clarinets, French horns, and the
trumpets, or percussionist.

Percussionist: Well what kind I say about percussionist? Heck they are basically
from their own planet. Their smart, talented, and well skilled in the art of
playing with sticks. The only real enemy of the percussion is the Band Director,
so watch your step. And if you happen to be the Band Director's child, then I'm
sorry, I can't help you there.

These standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing whistles
and hitting things that don't deserve the considerable space they are allotted
on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail
from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is there
are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory. Percussion
players do have music stands and they do use them -- to look at girlie

Percussionists play whatever and whenever they damn well feel like it and it's
always too loud. The ones with a spark of decency and intelligence play timpani,
or kettle drums. Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play kettle drums
pretend to tune their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped

The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he's also
one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don't practice
-- I guess they figure it's bad enough to have to listen to those things at the

Percussionists pretend to have lots of kids whose toys can be seen quite often
shaken, dropped, or manhandled to great effect. Whole percussion sections can be
seen and now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they
practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant
challenge to a percussionist.

Compatibility: Who knows?
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